Should I leave my wife for the other woman?

I’ve been married for over 18+ years, I have teenagers. Marriage was good until 4 years ago I started realizing I was missing affection, intimacy, and sex from wife. Sex has been 1-2 times per month. Wife does not do anything other than lay there, I wanted marriage or sex therapy but she did not want it.   I feel lonely, she is good at taking care of the house for which I help and am open to do anything I can to make this work. But she just does not seem to understand how important intimacy and sex is for me in this marriage. Recently I met another woman and what I thought I could never do happened, I fell in love with her and now have cheated on my spouse by having sex. Am in love with the other woman and feel like leaving my wife/family for her. We are very emotionally connected,it is not the sex although sex has been good. I know there’s no excuse for cheating, am not even having sex with wife since I started with the other woman and my wife does not even mind.It is as if we were just friends. I am so frustrated, I know I broke marriage bows, but am at the point where I want to move with other woman and start a new life. What should I do?

Ludacris

Dear Angelica answers:
Dear Ludacris,

This is quite a difficult situation. I appreciate that you are considerate enough not to have sex with your wife since you have engaged in a sexual relationship with another woman.It will protect your wife from STD if that should ever be a problem. I also appreciate and believe that you have a desire to work things out, however the other woman seems to be the easiest way out at this point. With teenagers children involved it will be even more difficult. Truth of the matter is that kids hardly ever get over a divorce, no matter how early or late in life it comes they would rather have a united family to go back too with their families as they move on and get married. Divorce also gives a message that marriage is not really a commitment for good and for bad, but a promise that can be broken when bad comes along. Think too how your kids might view your future wife, that is, as the reason their family broke up. I know you might feel it’s all about others, and what about what YOU want? But you are married and 18 years is a long time.It wasn’t always this bad. Besides, there are no guarantees the story will the new woman will really be a lasting bliss. Let’s face it, marriage is very hard, but in the long run, if people are able to overcome big crises ( such as this one) they can become a lot closer. You said ” I am open to do anything to make this work” . Then, in my opinion, it is time to be completely honest and tell your wife what has happened, the reasons why it happened and what can the two of you fix a very threatened marriage. You must be realistic and strong, you cannot expect that she will kiss and make up. She will be very hurt and very angry. Reassure her that you have your family’s best interest in mind and would like to work it out but you can’t do it without her help. Be prepared to see a see a picture of you (your wife’s point of view) that might be unpleasant and shocking. But she is your partner in a contract called ‘marriage’ and she has a right to the truth and a chance to change things. Best wishes,
Angelica

Why do I still miss my ex?

Dear Angelica,

I’ve only had one boyfriend. Reflecting, he never cared about me that much.I remember this episode, exactly a year ago, I made him cookies and sent them to him and he wouldn’t even go to the post office to get them! Anyhow, he dumped me in March. I’ve seen him a couple times since, and texted with him. So  it’s been NINE MONTHS since I was dumped…Yet even now, when a pic of him pops up on facebook, I catch my breathe and look, or even save it if it reminds me of a happy time.

I’m a university sophmore. I feel like I should be stronger than this.

After my ex dumped me, I had an “almost” relationship with a guy I’d known all my life. If I could trust anyone, it was him…Til he found a 15 year old more appealing. This ‘trusted’ guy had the guts to tell me  God told him not to date me. I was replaced that fast. I’m just having one of those nights. Why do I miss my ex, who  never really cared about me? It’s been three quarters of a year.

Lonely

Dear Angelica Answers:

Dear Lonely,

you miss the boyfriend because you are a sensitive human being who has feelings and does not take dating as a temporary sexual game that will last until someone more interesting comes along. The problem is that guys are more prone to want to play the sexual game rather than settle down and since they can sex without settling down, why not?

I am not saying all men are dogs, but according to my experience women have a stronger need for closeness and protection and tend to get more attached emotionally after a sexual relationship is started. I know, this does not sound “modern” enough and yet I feel it is true. We are the softer, more tender gender and that is a strength in itself but at times can be very hurtful.
It takes time to get over deep hurt and rejection. Accept that while at the same time forcing yourself to have nothing else to do with him. He will hurt you again, maybe even without trying. And I don’t think you are ready for another relationship either, you’re are too hurt to be able to rely on your good judgement right now. Time has a way to help with pain.

Take up a hobby, join a group, learn a craft, occupy your free time in a light hearted way so as to start feeling more positive about yourself. Don’t feel stupid about sticking with someone who didn’t love you, look at it as part of becoming a stronger woman. I feel confident you will get over him in a few more months . Best wishes to you, Angelica

DEAR ANGELICA Advice Column

Your Family, Relationship,Culture,Travel and Much More Advice Column. From a European born American

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